12 Blinding Truths of Motherhood

I have said before…maybe not on this site but it’s been said somewhere so it counts…that as soon as I became pregnant with Easton I realized exactly what kind of person I WANTED to be.

The blinding truth for me: I was far from it.

But I think a lot of people can probably say the same thing…okay, a lot of honest people can say the same thing. The rest of you are all liars.

Yes, you too.

Maybe you weren’t as far from your ideal mommy as I was, but let’s face it – becoming a mom is a wake up call. For you it might have been waking up to the sunlight peaking through the curtain. For me, it was like a bucket of ice water thrown on my head.

Shock, disbelief and terror.

Pure terror.

But all most things become funny with time and thankfully that terror has run it’s course. Oh, you know the course (please keep all arms and legs inside the rollercoaster) it goes from terror to fear to tears to worry to anticipation to tears (again, thanks hormones) then excitement and finally humor…ok, probably back to tears again. Along the way you question every thing you’ve ever done, why, and what you’d do differently. You analyze ever mother and make a mental list of I’m-never-gonna-do-that’s. Because, with enough planning and preparation, maybe…just maybe…you will manage to raise an intelligent, sane adult.

Sure, I still have plenty of years to screw this little person up and send him into therapy…but so far, we have one happy baby on our hands. (win!)

Given that we have now reached the humor phase of this cycle, I would like to share some of the other blinding truths that came to me over the last year….aside from the obvious ‘you’ll never sleep in again, or your stomach/boobs/thighs/(vagina!) will never look the same’

Please bear in mind, this was during my transition of being largely pregnant to my own one-man circus act.

1. I will never like wearing heels again. tear.

2. Wow, baby gear really clashes with my decor.

3. My emotions will go into complete identity-crisis mode and not know what to do.

4. I will genuinely consider wearing depends.

5. I have to share my husband….and his attention (yes I’m a selfish little attention hog)

6. I have a terrible potty mouth and will now have to whisper – or spell – words like (vagina!)

7. All baby gear is actually out to kill my child.

8. I stop using the gear and learn my house is basically one giant death trap…how does he find ALL the crumbs?!

9. Wow, my floors are dirty. I will never have clean floors again.

10. Correction, I will never have a clean house again.

11. Come to think of it, I will never have clean clothes again either.

12. Strollers have the unique ability to infuriate me in a nanosecond.

In all reality, this list is much…MUCH longer. But, ’12 Blinding Truths of Motherhood’ sounded better than the 358. And less painful. So I cut it short.

However, for humor’s sake, please share your own blinding truths. Let me know what is still in store for me. I can’t even wrap my head around what happens when there’s 2…or 3…or oh MY GOD how do people have more than 3?!

The thought makes my head explode.

pretty tree?...oh no, that's a 9 foot death trap my friends.

pretty tree?…oh no, that’s a 9 foot death trap my friends.

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6 thoughts on “12 Blinding Truths of Motherhood

  1. 13) I will never be able to shower whenever I feel like it again.

    14) When I am actually able to shower, during my child’s nap, I will have auditory hallucinations of my child crying, which will cause me to turn off the shower, run soaking wet wearing only a towel into my child’s room, only to discover that my child is sleeping soundly. This is not a symptom of psychoses, this is simply a symptom of motherhood.

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